A Look Back at the History of My Crazy Mind

The following is an old blog post from last year on Myspace.  My mind at the time was ridden with depression and dissatisfaction, which I find is, for me, a state which enhances my deep and abstract thought further:

"Jun 10, 2010

Philisophical Rambling #1

My head has been spinning with so much thought, now more than ever since I have so much spare time on my hands for now. While I would like to type everything I think about, my ideas often stray and develop in the deep center of my brain where the possible and proper mix with the improbable and obscene. This section of my thoughts is where my epiphanies, philosophies, and inspirations come from, but it is also the origin of my horrors, my doubts, and my general fear for humanity. I think of the demonstrations of human ignorance, violence, and cruelty, but also of the innate capacity for compassion, kindness, and responsibility. I often play out the scenarios and simulations in my mind, whether chaos or order, good or evil, or some combination of these, will eventually dominate us. I tell the same story to myself, with different characters, settings, circumstances, but every time I formulate the plot in my mind, it eventually becomes ambiguous and nonsensical. It bothers me that the only way to absolutely know our fate is to let it happen. While many of us can change our own personal fate, it will take a great world recognition to ever change the fate of our species and our home, the Earth. After pondering the subject for some time, my mind wanders and I find myself asking, why we should care if the world ends or not? Most end-of-the-world scenarios involve the quick eradication of the Earth and or its entire population, be it be black hole created in our very own Hadron colliders or the supernova of our sun, or a super-virus that wipes us all out in months. While there are many scenarios involving the gradual, painful death of every human being on Earth, the question must still be begged, "Why should I care? If we are doing all we can to prevent it, why should we worry ourselves so much over it?" A question I myself ask frequently... I personally believe in an afterlife. I do not know if it is Heaven and Hell and Purgatory, Jannah and Jahannam, Sheol and Gan Eden, Nirvana, the Egyptian Kingdom of the Dead, the Greek Underworld or some other realm we have no knowledge of (though I think the unknown is the most likely). Consequently, I have no idea how my soul will fare in the afterlife when I die. Have I been living my whole life completely wrong? Will I be punished, rewarded, or will my soul just ascend into the cosmos to eternally rest? Should I apologize for my sins? I know I am sorry for them, I am sorry for the sins of humanity as a whole in fact. Though I do often ask myself why I should care about the sundering of humanity, I always realize that no matter what afterlife I find myself in, and even if I find nothing beyond death, my actions as a living being will ultimately accumulate to form the reason for my existence. Many people were meant to be good, many others chose to be so, and many others were destined or chose to be evil, thus we have an ever changing balance of good, evil, chaos and order in the universe, therefore the actions of everyone in this universe will affect the course of the history of the universe. According to  physicists, destiny and fate lead to a chaotic world, as the natural processes of the universe tend to increase the entropy of the system. However, intelligent interactions more often lead to less entropy and thus, less chaos. So, if every sentient species in the universe (providing there are others besides us) contributed to the ordering of everything, there is a possibility of order triumphing over chaos, however the odds are stacked in favor of fate and chaos. Simply put, it is very very hard to try and order the whole universe, including all of the life and substance in it, and why bother when there are possibly an infinite number of realities and universes. Perhaps chaos is nothing to fear, but in fact something to admire. Though a symmetrical shape is balanced and likely more aesthetically appealing, an asymmetrical shape has no restrictions, and therefore has no limits. Society does not need to have order to function properly, but rather good intentions and actions, or so the the anarchists say. I personally think the struggle between chaos and order is not as important as the struggle between good and evil, although I feel this one will never have a resolution. For good to exist, there must be evil. Therefore, the struggle must either go on eternally or the theory of good and evil will simply vanish.  The balance or good and evil, or light and darkness, is ever changing, and rightfully so, as the process is chaotic. The presence or absence of light affects color, and there are many different shades of good and evil accordingly. There is no doubt that I favor good over evil, as I attempt to bring kindness and understanding as apposed to mindless oppression, but I find that quiet often, I succumb to evil and sin, and though I am ashamed of it and want it to stop, I allow it to happen again and again, not because of the reasoning in my mind, but because of the natural tendency for human evil. Compassion, peace, justice, and symmetry are very much artificial. For the most part (with the exception of symmetry, as this is found in nature) none of them would exist if we hadn't thought them up and made them a part of us. Does that mean that they are not worth pursuing? Of course not!!!

Well there, now you see a bit of how my mind works. I did not mean for this blog to be a philosophical ramble, in fact I meant it to be an analysis of my feelings and emotions, my plans, and my worries about my own future, not the future of humanity and the universe. I meant to delve into the concept of love and reasons why I ironically love and hate the emotion. I meant this to be a reflection of myself against the world, not purely an analysis of the world. Well that's what I get for typing this out, and this really is the way I think when I have time to think. I suppose I will save all I mentioned for my second Blog entry... Its freaking 4:36 AM and i need to get some sleep before I sleep the whole day away today

3:42 AM"